this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
