I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
