i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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