Umm I'm too high to move.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
