the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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