Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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