He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
