It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dick very happy bro
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
