thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
