i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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