You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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