***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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