remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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