I smell stomach acid.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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