i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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