i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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