Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
