I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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