How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
