i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
