Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize