so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
