Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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