Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
