Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my sisters under your porch take her home
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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