He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
two words...techno handjob
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
