I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
