I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
