You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
