I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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