im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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