He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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