then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
