the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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