you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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