why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
