Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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