Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
