dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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