i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
