I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
