Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
