new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
