saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
