just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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