I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
