My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
