I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
