Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
