Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
