Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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