I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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