you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
