she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
