beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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