I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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