Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
