I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
