I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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