his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
